Take control of your relationship
Many people say that relationships take work.
But few describe what that work is.
Identify core themes
Most people have just a few core themes that show up and manifest in many different areas of the relationship: such as fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment. Rather than focusing on acute issues like “the dishes,” you can find clarity by identifying these core themes.
Create! Invent!
Once you bring awareness to the core themes in your relationship and the triggers that take you out of your prefrontal cortex and into fight/flight, you can collaborate with your partner and create the relationship you want- planning, predicting, and preparing for when these core themes arrise.
Develop Couple Agreements
Creating Win-Wins
Develop balance in your relationship through the framework of being both pro-self and pro-relationship at the same time. You’re fully yourself and also a supportive partner, “100% in” on the relationship.
With your partner, develop couple agreements to be used as guardrails for your relationship. The key here is both partners must wholeheartedly agree on the principles.
Here to help you thrive
First of all, I’m a fellow traveler. I have had my share of relationship struggles, unhelpful patterns, and feelings of confusion. In fact, you may find that most therapists are drawn to working with the same type of problems that they themselves have had or still struggle with. And I embrace this idea. It also means I get it. I understand it’s not just as simple as saying “you just have to communicate better.”
I also am an optimist. And I have seen couples grow in amazing ways in our time working together. I believe that couples therapy is one of the most powerful modalities of healing out there, including if you want to “work on yourself,” or be a better parent. We humans are relational beings, and I’m a relational therapist. I believe healing generally happens through relationships.
Beyond flowerly and optimistic prose, I have had the opportunity to train with some amazing people in the field of couples therapy. I’m Level 1 and Level 2 trained in the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) with Stan Tatkin, and I’ve also trained with Terry Real and his Relational Life Institute. I’m very grateful to these leaders in the field, and the inspiration of their approaches. I also incorporate Imago Therapy into my sessions, and see it as a helpful structure for increasing connection and intimacy.
Get a free 15-minute consultation to get more information and find out if it’s a good fit for you
What my clients are saying
Clients have reported that they now have a roadmap for de-escalating and repairing conflict. Often the best first step during a conflict is to step away and take space for self-regulation, as long as there is communication about how/when to reconvene and an agreement that they will collaborate to resolve and repair, not just “move on and forget.” Clients practice active listening skills in session drawn from Imago therapy, which they can get realtime feedback on and then use outside of sessions- both for conflicts and for positive things like appreciations.
Clients report a new mindset around conflict- that healthy relationships DO have conflict and that conflict is not a red flag for the relationship. This new mindset views conflict as normal, and therefore not to be ignored or avoided, or to feel shame around. The key is not avoiding conflict, the key is resolving and repairing. And if you can collaborate as a couple and get good at repair, you develop a confidence and metaphorical armor that strengthens the relationship and builds intimacy- sometimes even more-so after a conflict if repair is done skillfully.
Clients report that they have found their voice, being able to more clearly express their needs. Therapy with Mike operates with the philosophy that we are not mind-readers, and therefore partners need to feel empowered to express what they need.
Clients report that they have been able to look deeper into conflicts about dishes and chores and find the underlying core vulnerabilities that lead to conflict. While dealing with individual conflicts in isolation can feel like searching for band-aid solutions, clients feel that getting to the core issues has helped them tackle a lot of issues at once, since they share the same core theme.
Clients report that they have a stronger foundation through conversations around shared purpose, shared vision, and agreements. These all are part of the design of the relationship. And clients are encouraged to be creative, inventive, and resourceful as they co-create the design of the relationship.
Clients have reported increased intimacy through exercises like eye-to-eye, knee-to-knee conversations that increase connection.
